Break free

Break free..
From all bondages,
From all fears,
From all insecurities,
From self doubt,
From the regrets of the past,
From the worries of the future,
From the guilt,
From the unhappiness,
From the dissatisfaction.
Lets break free.. It has tied us up too much.
Its all within us to make it or to make it.
Just break free and let go.
That is the only way out.

Dairy snapshot part 2 of infinite

I haven't blogged since quite sometime now. In fact to be frank I almost forgot that I even had a blog. So thought of writing something random today out of the blue. Life is weird. Just when we think something is going to go a particular way, life has its way of showing us that its not as simple. Its not as predictable. Life will trouble us and make us go through things and then when we are just about to give up, lose hope, it will smile at us and hug us with arms wide open. And then starts a bright new chapter. Isn't this what happens most of the times? Be it going abroad, getting a job, getting into a relationship.

Just a couple of months back, I thought that I had grown up, I had become matured and suddenly sometime back I realized how very childish I still am. I realized how what I saw was just the tip of a huge iceberg. There is so much to life and there is so much to every single thing we do in life. Somehow even though visibly nothing has changed around me, suddenly everything has changed so much. People getting jobs, people getting married. The very people with whom you grew up, suddenly talking like adults. Its funny how changes in their lives change you as a person. Just realized how life is so very different from what I had imagined it to be. Times change and you need to keep changing with them or you are way behind your time. So me, just catching up. This simple post, a small jig-saw piece of all the thought in my mind right now. Does not make sense right now but completing the picture piece by piece to someday see the whole picture as much clearly as possible. For there is and there always will much more to what is seen, heard or thought.

Clarity

He was standing there. Looking at his reflection in the mirror. And it was clear. It was very very clear. He could see that the problem was not with others. His perception about things was the very root of his problems. All the problems he had. With life. With everything around. All the relationships that went sour because the girls were not good enough. The unhappiness, the loneliness. It was all in the mind. All the cribbing, the getting hurt, the feeling bad, the disappointments. Were all his own. The world was a actually a wonderful place. It was his mind that was a dark room. The one in which he had locked himself. Although very transiently, the door of this dark room had been opened right now. At this moment, all the fuzziness seemed to disappear. He will not remember any of these thoughts tomorrow morning but ironically, today when he is so high on alcohol, for the first time things were so clear.

What is it my dear?

This is a poem I had written I dont even remember when. Found it while clearing my mail; posting it here. It is still incomplete. Hopefully sometime soon, time will help me complete it.

I wish i had words to describe what I feel for you..
You are the warm sun in the cold days,
You are the right path on lost ways,
You are the first blossom in the spring..
And you are the purity of the angel wing

What is it that makes you so awesome my dear??
Is it your caring nature,
or is your selflessness?
Or is it just the fact that you hide your niceness?

What went wrong?

He checked his mail. For the 100th time in the past 10 minutes. 'No new messages' it read.
He tried distracting himself. Tried working. But he couldn't concentrate. He wanted just one thing right now. A reply. He had poured his heart out on the email. Written all that he felt bad about. All that went wrong from her side. He had done all that he could for her. But he failed to understand this behavior. There he was stripped of everything in front of her. There was not one thing about him that she didn't know. And how much did he know about her? Barely, he thought. This girl. His love. His goddess and kid both at the same time. Why would she not open up to him? What does she have to hide? What lies beyond the walls she builds around herself? He failed to understand. He felt like he loved a stranger. He could not live with this feeling anymore;and with all that was happening. The mail he sent 'Just a reflection of his state of mind' right now. The most bitter thing he had ever written. Killed him while he was writing it. It was not what he wanted to write. But nothing else came out. He knew it would kill her too. He sent it to her nevertheless. 'Only a reflection of my state of mind', he thought.
He checked the mail one more time. 'No new messages' it read.
He gave up, gave up on her and broke down.
***************************************************************************************

Somewhere far away a girl with swollen red eyes sat in front of a computer, reading the mail for the 100th time in the past 10 minutes. She had thought he would understand her and all the problems that they had. She had been a closed person all her life. And yet, she had opened herself up. She was changing herself the best that she could. For him. Just for him. She had loved him with all her heart and soul. The very heart and soul that was cut into pieces by his words. Words sharper than a knife. If only the knife had a brain of its own. It would understand what it is cutting. But it didnt. It was a slave to its holder. It will cut everything the holder wants it to cut. If only the holder was more careful. Her heart and soul would have been in one piece. It would have healed all the other scars with time. But who can heal a broken heart, a broken soul? Who can take back words as powerful as an arrow? An arrow, once it leaves the bow cannot be stopped. It has to hit the target. That becomes its destiny. If only the beautiful archer was more careful.
Somewhere a girl with swollen red eyes gave up on herself and broke down.

Lesssons from a one minute fly.

I have always been a huge fan of short films. I think the liking stems from the fact that since these films are time constrained, they are highly concentrated around the message that they want to convey. A few weeks ago I saw this very cute, short film called One minute fly. It is a small animation film about a fly who is born with life of a minute; and has a huge 'things to do before I die' list to be checked before she dies. The film majorly revolves around how the fly does all that she wanted to do and is in the process living and enjoying her life to the fullest.

I am highly inspired from this film, and the loooong pending long 'Bucket list' is now in making. Things are rolling fast and strong. And life is as exciting as ever.

BTW the end is the best part of the film. The fly finishes doing everything from the list and when she is about to die, she is left with 2 things she could not do on her own. The film ends with how those things are accomplished as she dies. So if I am determined enough to finish most of the things from my list on my own, hopefully the world will conspire to finish whatever is left undone. :)

A diary snapshot

Another semester comes to an end today. My 4th long semester here in the USA. Fourth sem and yet this one was so very different from the other three. In fact, one of the most memorable one till now. So much happened. So much changed. So many peaks conquered. Did my first committee meeting, presented my research in grad seminar for the first time, taught one of the dreaded labs by all TAs (and actually enjoyed teaching it and every bit of other things associated with it), learnt stress management, learnt to work under pressure, learnt to do my submissions before time, thrived to make good habits a part of day to day life, learnt how powerful simple observations can be, learnt to manage my emotions in a healthy way, started meditation, started doing things that I always wanted to do but never really did. Learn't so much more not just about me but also about people, situations and things all around. Learnt so many new things about life, about things beyond life and about things that lie between the two. And of all the very many things, I learnt how to enjoy and put passion into any and every work that I do and hence end up doing things pretty well. This sem for the first time, I experienced the high of the satisfaction you get after doing your work the way you always wanted to do it. The high felt awesome. And as I sleep today, I sleep with a certain sense of happiness, satisfaction and pride, because for me, today is a new world; we shall see about tomorrow.

My blue nail paint

People who know me, know that I would stick to the cliché and always give a strong resistance to any kind of change..

So the blue nail paint..
Something that I had never dared to do before..

A way to show retaliation..
Break free from the past habits..
A first step towards change..
Towards not caring too much about what people who don't matter think..
Towards doing what 'I' really want to do..
Towards feeling good..
A first step of many to come..

Most would think, 'What a topic to write about..',
Other would think 'Self obsessed'..
And yet others will think 'Kiddish'..
Still this post.. Those who understand it will know why..
And for those who don't understand it, still this post.. The reason being the post itself..

A poem for kids..

This is a small poem I wrote for the pre-primary school kids a couple of days back. It was when I participated in a story writing workshop by 'Pratham'. (Pratham is an NGO that is involved in educating the underprivileged kids in India. Its a wonderful organization http://www.pratham.org/) Posting it here so that you all can read it and to spread the work that Pratham does so that we can all contribute to their work in our own little ways.

BUBBLE GUM!!

Bubble gum, bubble gum..
Sometimes its pink, sometimes its blue,
Sometimes you have many, sometimes only a few..
Some of them taste like strawberries, some like mint,
And some on their wrappers have a fancy print..

You can keep chewing it,
Or if you get bored just blow it,
And if that makes you tired,
Just throw it in the bin and say to it 'YOU ARE FIRED'

P.S: As a kid I was always very fascinated by Bubble gums!! Hence this topic.. :)

'Food for thought' Hall of fame

"Most people are about as much happy as they make up their mind to be.."

"Watch your thoughts.. You will get all that you wish for"

"Know thyself.."

"Things will remain incomplete till you keep trying to complete it.."

"A happy life can always be made a perfect one but the reverse is not always possible.."

"Aint about how fast I get there.. Aint about whats waiting on the other side.. Its the climb" Miley Cirus

"If you need it ask for it.."
4/12/2010

“Those who restrain their desires, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.” William Blake
04/18/2010

"The fear of suffering is much worse than the suffering itself"
04/27/2010

"Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free" Jim Morrison
05/07/2010

"The biggest secret of being happy is making others believe that they are the reason for it."
05/20/2010

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that."
06/09/2010

"And in the emptiness there's a solution. Just look within yourself for absolution " -Poets of the fall. 07/07/2010

"When you decide to stand still in life you mark the beginning of your end." Pravs J 07/20/10

"Ambition is like love, impatient both of delays and rivals." Siddhartha Gautama. 07/30/2010

Stay grounded, no matter how inflated you feel about yourself.
08/03/2010

"Your circumstances don't make you. They reveal you." Randy Gage 09/25/2010

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around" Vanilla Sky 09/29/2010

"One thing I have learnt from life is that getting 'UPSET' will not help. Always get 'UP' and 'SET' your goals and things will become easier." Mrs. S. Gupte 10/02/2010

"Something is special only because that's how you feel about it". Me

"Friendship is sometimes as important as a relationship and in fact many a times more permanent than love. Love can really get unpredictable but a friend is forever." Me

"Choosing one path means having to let go of many others" Paulo Cohelo

"It takes just one right decision to change it all" Me 03/31/2011

Spring

Spring; The most wonderful season ever,

Spring; the warmth of sunshine after a long ruthless cold winter..

Spring; the birth of new lives,

Spring; where the most beautiful, colorful and fragrant flowers rise..

Spring; when there is a play between the sun and the rain,

Spring; where there are fresh spirits in the air again..

Spring; the awaited season by me since a while now..

Spring; in my life right now..

Khel Mandala...

Its 12 at night and I am probably crazy writing a blog at this time on something that I am thinking about at this very minute, not giving too much time for my thoughts to answer themselves. But I desperately feel like writing about this. I just saw what I think is one of the most powerful marathi movie called 'Natarang'. And it has put me into thinking big time.. There are just a lot of questions running in my head right now. Was it fate that gunnya had to become a Naacha?? Was that his purpose for this lifetime? Was it his past life karma that people close to him were devastated coz of his decisions and actions? Does that essentially make him a bad person? Was it their life purpose to be suffering through this? Can we fight our fate? Should we fight our fate? Would he have been better off had he decided to not be a nacha and just be a normal farmer? After all the suffering that he went to, he did achieve all that he wanted to in his life. Will this be enough for him when he dies? Will he have regrets about any decisions? What is our fate? What is the purpose of our life? Is it something very mediocre? Will most of us be like the other etc people in their tamasha? Do we have to fight hard and fight for what we believe in, to fulfill our purpose in some life time or the other to go to a higher level in the pyramid of spiritual growth? Are we too lost already to even know what we want? READING TOO MUCH INTO A MOVIE + THINKING TOO MUCH ABOUT IT + RELATING IT TO ALL POSSIBLE THINGS + A WEIRD STATE OF MIND + LATE NIGHT TIREDNESS = A MESSED UP ME

Why?

When the friendship is so pure,
And the bond so strong..
When the connection is at so many levels,
And the moments are memories of the heart..
Why the desire to do injustice to it by trying to capture the emotions in words??
So i wont!!
I will just feel it, live it and move on..

A bright tomorrow

This poem is by a very dear friend Venky..

Day passes by, and the night begins to fall …
Up in the sky, at dusk, a canvass of beauty begins to stall …
The stars of crimson skies and the moonlight shine,
They all say to you, things are gonna be fine …

Remember the times when we laughed together,
I am here to hold you, if bothers you even a feather.
Don’t lose heart or trust, coz in people still there is good,
I want you to be the same bold person, beside whom once I stood …

It’s a saying “life is too complicated”,
So heres one thing that I have implicated,
If you don’t understand why with you do things go wrong,
Just don’t think bout them and make yourself strong.

The waters are still calm, they don’t disturb you,
The birds are still beautiful, their shadows tell you,
The green grass yet dances trying to please you,
Don’t be disturbed, they are all trying to ease you …

Your sadness, glad would I be to borrow,
For I am here to share your sorrow,
The sun will set & so shall your sorrow,
For you shall have a BRIGHT TOMORROW.

Enjoy life when the time with you is here,
You never know, 2012s coming near, ☺
For anything that bothers you, have no fear …
You know, for you I am always here.

A dark night..

This place which once seemed like a happy place to be,
A place where I once used to sit with my friends,
watch the water flowing,
the green grass dancing at the rhythm of the wind,
The wonderful views of birds sometimes flying very close to the flowing water,
watching their shadows in the water as they fly,
where I once used to feel good when a nearby train passes by...
The place where I had enjoyed beautiful sunsets and conversations
and admired the paintings of nature on the canvas of the sky..

This place, once a wonderful place, now seems like just a place.
A place I now use,
to escape,
to find some loneliness,
Praying that the loneliness brings with it some peace.
Peace to something that is a silent destruction. Quite yet inexplicably destructive,
Happening inside of me...
Something that I don't even understand why it should be there.

The water does not make me feel calm anymore.
The birds don't seem beautiful anymore.
And the train passing by, just seems like a distraction.
Its noise wanting to force me out of my shell that I want to go into.

The sun sets, I still sit there.. Realizing how much I hate sunsets..
And the darkness that it brings with it,
coz I know, somehow I can live through the day, but not these dark nights.
This darkness, it takes me to paths I don't like to take..
Paths full of fears and insecurities,
Paths which are scary, paths which make me realize my inadequacies,
Paths which remind me of the people who were once so close and now so far.
These paths, they bring tears,
Tears which are otherwise hidden and buried safety in the heart.
I feel a little calm as they come out. They were wanting to come out since quite sometime now.
I feel blank.. No emotions, No thoughts.
Just a want.
A want to live in this feeling for as much as I can.
I feel ME.

My phone rings.
'Next time I should keep my phone at home', I remind myself as I take it out of my pocket.
My room-mate worries about me on the call.
I tell her I will be home in 10 minutes.
I gather myself. Tuck away the tears. Force a smile and take the way back home..
Praying that somehow the darkness goes away..
I try to give birth to new hopes..
Thinking, tomorrow the sun will rise again,
and take away the darkness.
But for now,
its just another dark night.
And this too shall pass..

If only.. Part II

There are many possible things that could have happened with Chris and Michelle. And most often than not life surprises us. So for now leaving it up to the readers to anticipate what happened with the two of them. You can put an happy ending or a sad one. And if you ask me, I will tell you 'happy endings' or 'sad endings' are 'our' perceptions about things anyways. To me what matters and what will matter is what happened to them years down the line. We shall see. :) :)